Not to take on someone else’s burden does not mean to be selfish. You can offer help without interfering to the point of taking on the burden of others.
Many of us often take on many external problems that do not concern us. We do this with the belief that when we love and value someone, we should help them, support them, and share their difficulties.
While it is not always easy to maintain emotional distance in the face of others ‘ personal difficulties, sometimes it is necessary to force ourselves, for our psychological well-being and for our health.
Obviously, we will always do our best for our family and friends, but when we cross borders and stop taking care of ourselves and our health, we are no longer useful to anyone, starting with ourselves. Think about this before you load yourself with other people’s problems.
Other people’s problems are their responsibilities
Accepting external problems and burdens as your own problems is something that is common, especially for women and parents.
These are individuals who seek, first of all, to alleviate the personal suffering of their children or other important people, thinking that in this way everything will be solved. However, this rule does not always work.
Role of the Savior
Sometimes the person who decides to offer help and takes the burden of others on their shoulders, establishes a very complex relationship of dependence with others.
We should say Yes, because we don’t want to offend. This forces us to give in to everything, until the other person takes into account our feelings and our limits, and asks us for everything, no matter what.
When we try to be a Savior — it doesn’t always solve the problem. Often we only make things worse because the problem is shared and the burden is still heavy.
Listen to other people’s problems, but don’t make them your own: don’t bear their burden
Setting an emotional distance from others is something we must learn to practice. It is obvious that everything depends on intimacy with the person who has problems, and that we will not behave the same way with our child and work colleague.
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However, it is important to consider the following things:
- Accepting someone else’s difficulties is not a solution. We can act more constructively by offering support, emotional comfort, and motivation.
- The problem must be solved through personal strategies, with courage and maturity, but not by empowering others.
Here’s an example: you have a brother who can’t find a job. You help him with everything he needs, and even find him a job. But he blames you because this job doesn’t suit him, he wants something better.
How were you supposed to act? Instead of being a” Saviour”, it is best to listen, support in whatever is necessary, but allow the other to develop personal strategies that they consider adequate to achieve their goal.
Worrying about the people we love is normal, but sometimes it’s better not to make other people’s problems your own, because others need to find a better solution to suit their needs.
Be the best for yourself to be the best for others
We don’t have to give everything to make our loved ones love us or respect us more. Sometimes the opposite is true.
We live in a strange society where we think that those who offer their help should not refuse you anything.
This is why you need to think about yourself first and act with balance, self-protection, and good self-esteem in order to take care of yourself and thereby give yourself to others.
Refusing to help someone does not mean giving up on that person. Sometimes this allows the other to develop their own strategies that will be really useful to them: then we avoid dependence.
Refusing someone who doesn’t respect you and believes that your only function is to help them will help you understand that you, too, have needs and limitations that need to be met.
Don’t be upset if you said NO. You acted with confidence and emotional maturity because you care about your self-esteem and decide when you can say YES.
Each of us can accept or not accept the problems of others. But help people, if you really want to do it, don’t feel obligated to do it. And remember that your emotional well-being is an indicator that sets your limits.